In February of this year my husband and I found out we were expecting our 5th blessing. There was a lot of joy and excitement in our family, though I struggled with trusting God’s timing. There were many things I thought needed to be fixed or reconciled before we could have another, one of them being that I was done reliving my nightmarish past, and for a couple months, I didn’t have anymore memories, though I knew in my heart there were more.

I was incredibly sick this time around, throwing up all the time and so exhausted I could hardly move from the couch. My “morning sickness” lasted until I was 18 weeks along, four weeks longer than what I was used to. I had plans on another amazing homebirth, but around 24 weeks my blood pressure started going up. My midwives and I monitored it closely and I had blood work done often, but at 31 weeks my care was transferred to an OB & I was admitted to the hospital for pre-eclampsia.

I spent the next 30 days on bedrest, separated from my family, my birth plans out the window, just trying my best to surrender everything and trust my Heavenly Father. This had previously been a “worst case scenario” for me, as I had a huge fear of hospitals and doctors, and of being away from my kids. This was the very first time I had ever even been one night away from my almost four year old, who was used to sleeping with me every night.

The blessing in this situation, aside from getting the much needed rest my pregnancy was demanding, was that I was able to bond with my baby. It was just us, and where before I was so busy with wife and mom duties with the other kids, now I was able to really connect with him. No longer juggling a million things but slowed completely down, hearing his heartbeat every day during non stress tests, weekly ultrasounds, finally being still enough to really notice every movement, it was special. While it was extremely emotional for me to be away from home, I was thankful to feel so close to my little guy.

Amidst the very huge blessing of expecting our son, and all the drama that goes along with being in the high risk pregnancy unit of the hospital, I was dealing with some pretty monumental memories. I had little pieces of these memories pop up prior to going on bedrest, but it was as though they were “stuck.” As I’ve been on this healing journey for almost five years now, I have found that the more traumatic a memory is the deeper it’s buried. There were some that seemed to be right at the surface, and others so hidden and locked away only the Holy Spirit has been able to bring them out.

I started to understand why maybe I needed to be there, with my only job being to rest, for these memories to surface. There were four in total, one each week I was there. It was excruciating to process, but I was thankful I wasn’t trying to deal with it while caring for my kids. I don’t think I could’ve managed any other responsibilities while going through those. I believe the Lord in His infinite wisdom knew that, and allowed these memories to surface at this precise time for that very reason.

The whole time I was in the hospital, I was being reminded that while this was a real fear for me, not being in control of my body, that HE was in control even when everything else felt out of control. He truly held me through the duration I was there, and I was constantly reminded of His presence. We had so much help from family and friends, all my nurses were kind, I even liked my Dr. And He told me that this child represented reconciliation, and he absolutely does.

I am so incredibly thankful for you Harrison. And I’m so thankful that despite walking a path infinitely more difficult than I could’ve ever imagined, He continues to bless me, remind me of His love, and show me no matter how painful, I don’t walk it alone.

“The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still.” Exodus 14:14